Like A Sauna Without the Happy Ending

It's summer in St. Louis, and that means only one thing - oppressively hot and humid weather.  For months on end.

Soon "the heat" will be the top story on the local news and we'll have to listen to inane newscasters tell their viewers (colloquially known as Viewtards™) that they shouldn't do things like run a marathon at noon, leave quarts of mayonnaise in the sun and leave your 3-month in the car while you go into Walmart (to make meth, no doubt).  You know, everything that anyone with half a brain already knows.

There will also be stories about people that die in their homes because they refuse to turn on their air conditioning. As the story goes, they supposedly can't pay the bills, or they don't have an air conditioner at all.

Like this woman:

 














See, the local NBC affiliate ran a sob story about some poor woman that couldn't afford an air conditioner and was having to sit inside her brick bungalow like a calzone, baking away in her moo-moo. A local charity group was coming to install one for her for free.

But just when you start to feel bad for her and as these two poor saps install her free window air conditioner, here it comes into frame:

Yes, that's a flat screen television.

Now I'm no accountant, but I'm pretty sure if your stupid ass can afford a flat screen TV, you can afford to buy your OWN god damned air conditioner. A charity doesn't need to give you one for free.

But I'm sure the Viewtards™ bought this sob story hook, line and sinker and picked up their phones like it was the Jerry Lewis telethon to donate more money for the "less fortunate."

In reality this woman isn't less fortunate. Her priorities are just fucked up.

Have You Ever Been To a Landfill?

Growing up we would oftentimes go to "the dump" in Buchanan, Michigan.  It was actually known as the Southeast Berrien County Landfill, but "dump" sounded classier.  

This was a place where for just a few dollars per pound, you pull up a pickup truck full of whatever crap you want to dispose of, push it off the back and drive off.   Refrigerators, dirty diapers, old console TVs...it didn't matter.  Everywhere you looked it was trash as far as the eye could see...and it it usually smelled.

It has many parallels to living in south St. Louis.

Sure, there may sometimes be the odd diamond in the rough, but for the most part, south St. Louis is full of classy residents like this guy:

St Louis' delegate to the Scrips Howard National Spelling Bee

He has undying love for his Cardinals, but he also has just three teeth, the inability to spell and a mullet.

There's also trash all over:  White trash.  Ghetto trash.  Trailer trash.  And yes, they, like that Michigan landfill, oftentimes smell.

Just the other day, the beauty queen shown below got busted for making meth in a 20oz soda bottle INSIDE of the Walmart that we go to.  And then a week later she gets busted again for doing the same thing outside of a gas station.  All in south St Louis.

You can't make this shit up.

Miss Missouri Meth 2012

So why are we still here you ask?  Honestly we sit and ask each other the same thing at least twice a week.  It's not just a matter of moving to the suburbs like anyone else with half a brain.  We need to escape this black hole of trash altogether.

It's only a matter of time before we can get the hell out of here and move somewhere where the weather isn't so obnoxiously humid and the people aren't so stupid.

The day will come soon enough where we can figuratively push the trash off the back of the truck.  And regardless of how much it costs per pound, that will be money well spent.